She's Back!!

After a minor hiatus, the office ninja is back and proudly states that unlike other mere mortal ninjas who require two legs, she only requires one leg and three awesome roommates to continue in the shadowy arts.

Here are this week's horroscopes:

Your Birthday Today
A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.

Best of the Rest:

Virgo August 23 - September 22
After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.

And my personal favorite of the week:

Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.