In a tersely worded statement issued last night, the Department of Single Awareness revealed the results of their most recent study indicating that the United States is in a severe man-drought. Local citizens responded with indignation, citing that symptoms have been apparent for years and the government is just now recognizing the problem, when it may already be too late.
"Why are my tax dollars going to fund a study that I, and any number of single women could have answered?" questioned L. Lawless of Dallas, TX. In San Diego, CA, L. Lane put it succinctly by saying, "there ain't no mens."
While critics are calling the news "sensational" and "outlandish" most women just want to know what is going to be done about it.
"We've tried everything," claims one woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, "from personal ads to online dating, to letting our grandmother try to set us up with her sister's mortician. We're running out of options!"
Unfortunately, at this time there is no sure solution. According to Secretary of State Ryan Gosling, we may just have to import them from China, "like everything else."
Stay tuned for our next report, "Definition of a Man" which seeks to establish why 5'3" and living with mom just doesn't cut it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hey girl, it just so happens I found the solution to your little dilemma right here in downtown Lincoln!! And now that I've secured "The Big Red" I'll send him along. Just try not to shake the box too hard and watch out for air holes.
Another example of our tax dollars hard at work!
Post a Comment