Helpful Acronym List

Acronyms:

TA: The Author
BSA: Blood Sucking Accountant
DFL: Dictator for Life
WW: Wonder Woman
SB: Skater Boy
DOAC Park: Dude on a Column park

BSA's fighting debut

As the punkish mob broke free of the ten key tape BSA scowled up at the bright summer sun that was draining her strength. As a blood sucking accountant, she could only access her full powers under the harsh glare of fluorescent lighting in an enclosed space. Since auras, transformations, hypnotic glares, and Quickbooks were denied her, BSA decided to give the punks a good old fashioned butt whoopin’.
She jumped happily into the throng; blocking, swinging and kicking with glee. As she fought her way through the crowd, she evaluated the various punks she pummeled.
“Too short, too tall, too dirty, too scruffy, I can’t believe you wore that out in public! Ouch! Pointy liberty spikes!! Okay, Meh, Soul Patch? Really??!! HOT!” With lighting quick reflexes she grabbed the unfortunate hottie by the collar and yanked him into a sleeper hold, where he struggled vainly before passing out. BSA pulled his head back to expose his neck. “Yeah Me!” She chirped happily before biting down. BSA was soon oblivious as the mob surged around her and continued toward the park. She never even heard the plaintive moo as a cow reached terminal velocity and smashed into the ground not ten feet away.

All right who’s next?

A: WW
B: DFL
C: TA

Sneaky Taffy

Who makes a brown, target dyed (with red bullseye center) salt water taffy and then makes it licorice flavor?
Is not brown the universal color for chocolate? Or possibly root beer? Orange tasted like orange, and yellow green tasted like some form of citrus, so I'm baffled at this skull duggery on the part of the chesapeake bay tourist taffy conglomerate. Did they just run out of black dye? Perhaps they have a hidden camera somewhere, and evil employees are watching with glee as I pop in a tasty treat, only to have it turn into a jaw-sticking molasses mess of nastiness. Have you ever noticed the way licorice flavor fumes creep their way up into your nasal cavity, embedding deeply in various soft tissues along the way so that all the water in the office will not wash them away? These are the thoughts that perplex me.

What can I say? Work is slow and there is deceptive taffy available in the kitchen.
Also there's a bit of a dent in the ice machine for some strange reason.

Update: DFL adds her two cents to the great Taffy conspiracy. "Curse you incognito licorice taffy! You should always be black, the color of your perverted soul!"

She also wonders if taffy smells, and if I should invest in a taffy taste tester.

DFL gets a bonus point for alliteration on that one.

Update: Does taffy smell? Hold that thought. I need to run... hobble to the kitchen to get some more research subjects.

Nuts, only orange and white ones left. IT is hanging out at my station. This is putting a bit of a damper on my experiment.
Will proceed with taffy sniffing when coast is clear.

Also, I shouldn't need a taste tester. I should be able to trust in the ancient universal code of food coloring color coding!

Update: All right, both white and orange smell vaguely licorice-y. Although I think that's the default smell coming from the wrapper, because now that they've been unwrapped for awhile, they don't smell at all.

Bonus: Taffy is a great surface for leaving clear fingerprints.

Update: DFL says "well that's not a bonus if you're the one leaving fingerprints." Here's my rebuttal on the use of taffy as a fingerprinting device.

Yes but if I wanted to get someone fingerprints, I could use the elc (evil licorice coilition) taffy. I'd say, here's some taffy and they'd think "hmm it's brown and therefore chocolate." but after eating a bite, they'd realize it's evil licorice and put the rest down. Then I'd have their print.

Unless they're like me and pop the whole thing in their mouths at once. Destroy the evidence!!

Update: Orange still tastes like orange. White tastes like sweet. It's probably supposed to be vanilla, but it tastes like chewy sugar. So I think this experiment conclusively proves that smelling the taffy will not save you from hidden licorice taffy. Be warned! Stay vigilant!!

Onion horoscopes

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.

Best of the Rest:

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousand more had you missed him from so close.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.

And for the BSA:

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.

And a bonus math related one:

Your Birthday Today
A simple, nondescript jar of jellybeans will soon expose your shameful inability to reasonably estimate indeterminate quantities.

Se Hable Ingles

So I thought that while I'm laid up for the summer I could learn another languange in my spare time. So I purchased Rosetta Stone Spanish (Spain) Unit 1. And after only an hour with this remarkable program, I feel confident in my ability to go to Spain Right Now and say:

El avion es amarillo (the plane is yellow)

and it's fascinating response:

No, lo es. Es blanch ( No it isn't. It's white)

So bring on your white and yellow planes Spain!! I'm ready!! Also, I went and saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and the first half totally reminded me of Monkey Island. Especially the part with the island cannibals and the creepy Jamaican fortune teller in the swamp. I kept expecting them to defeat the evil sea baddies with a jug o'root beer.

Hmmmm, root beer.

She's Back!!

After a minor hiatus, the office ninja is back and proudly states that unlike other mere mortal ninjas who require two legs, she only requires one leg and three awesome roommates to continue in the shadowy arts.

Here are this week's horroscopes:

Your Birthday Today
A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.

Best of the Rest:

Virgo August 23 - September 22
After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.

And my personal favorite of the week:

Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.

Story: Now with Punks!!

SB grinned as he whipped a remote control from one of the many pockets on his baggy pants. He pressed the button and our heroes were hit with a sudden wave of heavy, moist air. It wrapped around them oppressively, soaking the park and making every breath a harsh, labored exercise.
As the humidity worsened, TA felt her hair twisting medusa like as it tried to free itself from the confines of her ninja cowl. WW regretted her leather statement of patriotism, and DFL briefly considered regretting her choice of white Roman toga before deciding that regret was beneath her.
Only BSA remained unaffected. “Like a little humidity will stop an auditor” she scoffed, “Skaterboy you’re going down!!”
SB ignored her and pressed another button, and the entire park began to shake as the jaded sounds of Strike Anywhere summoned an army from the streets of DC…an army of punks!!
“This song, ‘Riot of Words’ is like totally deep.” SB intoned as the first wave of punks ran past the treasury building and headed straight for DOAC park.
BSA hissed at this flagrant disregard for the glories of capitalism and reached into the inner lining of her suit, and pulled out what looked like a grenade. She pulled the pin and hefted it at the front line where it exploded into reams and reams of ten-key audit tape ,wrapping around the punks and hopelessly entangling them. The tangle got worse as the runners behind slammed into the trapped front lines, and then got even more confusing when the rear guard decided that this was a mosh pit and joined in enthusiastically.
BSA smiled and rubbed her hands in gleeful anticipation. “Lunch!” She crowed as she launched herself into the chaotic horde of punks.
“Oh great, not again!” TA moaned as locks of hair began curling out from under her mask. “Well someone should probably go get her. I nominate you WW.”
“Why me?!!” WW sighed petulantly “I always have to do the rescuing.” Just then a large black and white cow fell out the sky and smashed into the Amazon, driving her into the cement pathway.
“Get out of town!” Yelled DFL, “Since when do cows fall out of the sky!”
“It’s almost like she dared to threaten the powers that be, and now has been punished for her arrogance.” TA looked in awe at the carnage.
“Yeah but a cow?!” DFL pointed out.
“Not just any cow” continued TA, “that’s a Holstein. A breed known for its distinctive color markings and outstanding milk production.”
“Oh. Well that’s appropriate then.” She sighed, “WW’s a strapping young girl I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“BSA might not be though, it looks like the anarchist sensibilities of the punks is dissolving the audit tape.” TA pointed as the unruly mob once again began lumbering towards the park.
“Man, I HATE when I have to get involved. It’s too much like actual work.” DFL’s rant was cut short as the punks finally reached the park.

So, who’s battle story would you like to hear first?

A: BSA
B: DFL
C: WW
D: TA

Wed Funnies

They're a little darker than usual this week:

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

Best of the Rest:
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.

My personal favorite:
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.

And just for BSA:
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will finally stop referring to the nation's Midwest as the "fly-over states" this week during a tragic airplane ride from New York to Los Angeles.

Story!! Part..whatever

“Dude on a column park?” BSA looked confused.
“That’s what happens when you let TA name things” DFL explained.
“Awesome!” cheered TA, “I know the way. I eat lunch there all the time.” She activated her jet pack and took off.
The other members shrugged and followed. Mere minutes later they touched down in a park with swirling walk paths, expansive trees, and immaculate flower displays. In one corner, was a tall stone column topped with a bronze statue of a man in revolutionary dress.
“Here we are!” chirped TA, “Dude on a column park!!”
“This is Lafayette Square.” WW whipped out her GPS unit, “exact position is, let's see Latitude is …”
“SHHHH!” TA shushed her violently, “What about OPSEC? You’ll give away our position. It’s Dude on a Column Park. Which is in front of a “House” that may or may not be “White.”
“And that would be the dude” DFL pointed at the statue.
“On a column!” TA added helpfully.
“He looks suspiciously like George Washington” BSA pointed out.
“Whatever,” TA waved her hand in a dismissive gesture “let’s find some evil.”
“I don’t know.” WW used her mighty height to scan the greenery, “It seems awful quiet for evil.”
“Exactly!” pointed out TA, “Where are the chirping birds? The thieving squirrels? The crazy people? The croquet players? Something is amiss.”
They all pondered the strangely quiet park when suddenly, BSA spun into a defensive crouch.
“Do you hear that?” BSA asked as she whipped out her calculator and accounting iron.
WW straining her mighty (as in strong, not big for certain paranoid people who might be reading this) Amazon ears said, “It sounds like…wheels..rolling?”
DFL and TA also adopted defensive postures, even though their mere human hearing couldn’t quite catch the rolling wheels of doom.
The sound of rolling wheels grew louder, until coasting casually along the walkways, they saw..
“Skaterdude!” WW’s eyes narrowed as she took in the punk rocker.
“Yo. You should like, totally fear me.” SD threatened them lazily.
“Pssh” DFL relaxed and started inspecting her manicure. “My cabana boys could take this guy.”
BSA tucked away her iron, “WW, be a doll and smash him will you? And next time you drag me away from payroll it better be for something serious.”
SD colored and spluttered angrily “Hey!! You can’t classify me as inconsequential! You can’t box me!! I’m totally dangerous! I brought an army!! An army of…

A) giant bees
B)traffic blocking protestors
C) PNC bank gargoyles
D) Dense clouds of oppressive humidity created by an army of punks with their Rovian weather machine

Wed Funnies

From the Onion: It's a rough week to be a Taurus.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.

The Best of the Rest:
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.

Libra September 23 - October 23
You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.

And my personal favorite of the week is a tie:

Cancer June 22 - July 22
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.

Ninja Report!

Be on the look out for these guys. After all, it's your duty as a ninja to defend your turf from rival ninjas. Even rival bbq ninjas.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3676676a4560,00.html

Ninja Essay

So DFL has to write a 750 word essay on a skill that everyone should master.
Truly a difficult and daunting task. After all, there are so many skills that your modern office ninja needs. Just for basics there's:

* Supply Acquisition and Retention (Stapler Stealing for Dummies)
* CYA Defense Maneouvers
*Wrists of Steel (For typing intesive ninjas)
*Master the evil phone Djinn
*Bouncing rubber band ball of death

For those a little more advanced in their office ninja training there's:

*Accounts Receivable
*Sphixian Riddles and Sneaky Appointment Calendar Management (Defend that office!)
*Defeating the Mass Mailing Monster
(although that last one is more of a mystic quest than a skill)

Any others you can think of? Feel free to elucidate in the comments.

Historical Reading Update

From the excellent biography on Elizabeth I by Alison Weir.

Mary Queen of Scots puts herself on the fast track for beheading by joining a plot to help Phillip II, King of Spain, overthrow Queen Elizabeth and restore England to Catholiscm.

Good thing I already know how this turns out. But I still find myself saying "Elizabeth!! What are you doing! For pity's sake don't ignore the Spaniards!!"

Although I do like how she encourages Drake to rob them blind and then when she's confronted by the Spanish Ambassador, pretends that as a mere and simple woman, how could she possibly control that rogue Drake, the naughty boy.

Bad Poetry

So I found a website where they have a contest to write a short story on a random topic that can only be 100 words long. The topic was "horse racing" and I thought it would be fun to try.

Somehow I ended up with a poem. Don't ask me how. I have dark, traumatic memories of being forced to write poetry in school. And I remember that I wasn't very good at it.

So consider yourself forewarned.
Here's my 100 word poem.

**************
She was going to the races
And she needed a hat.

And that was that.

But not just any hat.
A fabulous hat.
Not one tall, or wide, or phat.
An Audrey Hepburn hat.

A hat dripping with feathers and trim
Shaped like a pancake
Bright red roses sewn to the brim.

Or stark in black, white, and gray
With sharp crisp lines
Cresting her head like ocean spray

A hat with moxie
A hat with style
A hat to hide
The loneliness for awhile.

She was going to the races.
She would need a hat.

And that was that.

Wed Funnies

Here are our Onion Horoscopes.
Things will be especially treacherous this week, so everyone be careful.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.

My personal favorite of the week:

Libra September 23 - October 23
Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.

And just for BSA:

Leo July 23 - August 22
With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.

See Wonder Woman

It's official, Idaho LOVES Napolean Dynamite.

http://www3.state.id.us/oasis/2005/HCR029.html


Hat tip: Dave Barry

Hmmmm

The breeze is warm and heavy. And when it caresses my face, it smells like rain. It's one of those days where you really wish you worked outside.

Deadly Plot: FOILED!

As a ninja, discovering and evading deadly traps is considered part of a normal work day. As an office ninja, these traps often take the form of "The Empty Printer Cartridge of Doom," "The Sadistic Stapler," and the dreaded "15 Minute Before Closing Project Drop Off." Fortunately through my excellent supply acquisition skills and masterly evasion techniques, these traps no longer hold any terror for me. But imagine my surprise when I discovered an actual Deadly Trap this morning.

The following story is not for the faint of heart.

I was stationed at my post, guarding the west hallway and working on a spreadsheet (even modern ninjas can benefit from a database. How else can you prove to the ninja masters that your pro-active, non-linear ninja activity and dynamic outside-the-box thinking has produced a significant decrease in evil warlord activity through the last three quarters?) When a tiny harbringer of disease-riddled death scurried across my desk. Yes, it's truly horrifying, but a bright red tick, no bigger than a pin head, was racing straight for my mousepad. Fortunately my cat-quick reflexes kicked in and I squished him with extreme prejudice, leaving nothing but a bloody smear to mark his futile effort.

"But!" I can hear you gasp, "Corbeau, I thought you worked downtown in the middle of a major metropolitan center, surrounded by a jungle of concrete and steel as you fight evil warlords from the top floor of a building with security guards, intimidating receptionists, and bathrooms that require keys! This is not the natural habitat of the tick!"

This is true. Obviously a rival ninja has managed to discover my post, infiltrate a city park, stalk likely nesting grounds until he could collect a specimen with his ninja tweezers, and slip past my building's numerous and stalwart defenses to deposit this little bag of bio-toxins at my work station.

Truly a fiendishly clever foe. And for those of you who want to know what ninja tweezers look like:

Technical Difficulties

Unfortunately, since I lack IT skills, we suffered a wee bit of a casulty in the blog. The good news is, I got the sidebar back where it belongs. The bad news is, I lost part of the story. It's now in internet heaven. I'll see if I can't find the rest of it and put it back up.

Ninja Report

It was recently pointed out to me that certain people in my household are in sore need of ninja training. This became painfully obvious as the DFL and BSA prepared to catch an early flight to the Dominican Republic this morning. In my sneaky-ninja way, I told them that I was going to bed, as I needed to be well rested for my workday of sneaking and spying. Then, from my darkened upstairs room, I kept a log through the night.


23:00 She-lob takes up residence downstairs. This causes much ado.

23:15 She-lob is defeated and the carcass removed from the premises.

00:00 DFL turns the squeeky shower knobs of doom, which cleverly disguise the controls to her complicated Dooms-day device. I fear for the island of the Dominican Republic. Enjoy your freedom while you can!!

4:00 Many bumpings and thumpings, thumpings and bumpings. Lots of "Shhhhh!!!!" This ninja considered breaking from cover to reassure everyone that it was cool, she was already awake.

4:30 The front gate is slammed and barricaded against any maurading samurai in the neighborhood.

5:00 Sun rise.

5:30 Ponder the great unfairness of Chris' early boot from American Idol.

6:00 Formulate plan to rid trees of evil samurai birdies and their murderous chirping ways.

7:00 Prepare for ninja-work day

8:05 Purchase a 20 oz Dr Pepper to assist in strenous duty of keeping awake.

Conclusion: We need to work on sneaky ninja skills.

So! For our first ninja training exercise, we will work on endurance and analysis by visiting the following site:

http://www.mulletjunky.com/childmullets.htm

Post your ninja report in the comments. Don't make me issue a pop quiz.