Ask A Dictator: The Advice Column for Aspiring Fashionable Despots

Dear Dictator,

My superhero mode of transport is an invisible jet. While this makes me effective and intimidating, zipping through the air faster than the speed of sound, I can never seem to locate the jet again after I've parked it in the hangar. How can I solve this little conundrum?

Also, for the new fall superhero season, patriotic mini skirt: tacky or chic?

Looking for jets and fabulousness

Dear Looking for Jets,

Your invisible jet problem is one that has plagued many a super hero. Wandering aimlessly through a parking lot is frustrating at best, and is often compounded by additional impediments such as an escaping villain or fifteen bags of groceries. Fortunately, new jets are now coming equipped with a remote sensor that can be attached to your key chain. This control will allow you to unlock the doors while approaching the jet, making for a speedy getaway, or handily pop the rear hatch for easy loading of aforementioned groceries. When activating the sensor, the lights on your jet will flash once and issue a small "beep", allowing you to locate your air transportation vehicle. High end models also come with a flash memory erase, so that any bystanders who may be a little too curious soon have an intense craving for Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream, to the loss of all other thought process.

If you happen to be in possession of a "classic" model, after-market remote sensors are available through ACME Jet Accessories, Inc. Make sure you do your research and find a reputable installation company as this is not a "do-it-yourself" project. One crossed wire can result in dire consequences including instantaneous combustion and sulfuric exhaust fumes.

Regarding the patriotic mini skirt: patriotism is always in style, but sometimes it is a statement best worn on your heart and not on your arse.

With utmost impunity,
DFL