The Cold Door

Helpful Acronyms:

DFL: Dictator For Life
TA: The Author
WW: Wonder Woman
BSA: Blood Sucking Accountant

In our last installment, our heroes found themselves in a house of many doors, where they were faced with choosing either a normal door, a burned door, a scratched door, or a cold door.


“Logically, a perfectly normal, non-battered door would be our best bet” TA pointed out as BSA joined them on the ground floor.
“Agreed, but there are many normal doors. How do we pick just one?” wondered Wonder Woman.
“Simple. By using the tenants of Bayesian probability we will be able to deduce which door would lead us to a safe and harmless exit.” TA responded.
“Nonsense” BSA scoffed, “only the objective principles of frequency probability will allow for the rejection or non-rejection of this type of statistical hypotheses.”
“What about Jaynes’ principle of maximum entropy?” TA responded vigorously.
“What about it? Nothing about any of these doors offers testable information. They’re the Normal doors!” BSA argued.
“Guys?” WW gallantly interrupted, thus saving the reader from further statistical discussion, “What’s DFL doing?” They all looked over at the still bemused Dictator who, having found a cold door and believing it to be the entrance to a walk-in freezer, had continued her personal quest for a Diet Coke.
“No wait!” BSA cried in dawning horror as DFL disappeared into an icy blast. WW leapt heroically to the rescue and was also consumed by the frigid light bursting from the still opening door.
“Well, crap” TA responded in surprise as the icy blast wrapped around her, spreading frost patterns across her gi as she was sucked towards the now wide open door.
“Oh man, I hate the cold!” BSA whined as she and TA were pulled into the light, the door slamming shut with a deep boom behind them.

As the light faded our heroes found themselves in a thick grove of pine trees, whose boughs creaked ominously under heavy weights of snow. Fat, heavy flakes continued to drift from a leaden sky, their soft landings the only sound in the cold, muffled atmosphere.
“The only sound except for the ominous creaking you mentioned in the first sentence” BSA snidely pointed out. TA glowered.
“Do you want to do the introductory narration?” she demanded, the snow crunching under her feet as the air trapped in the crystals compressed...
“Wait a minute” interrupted BSA, “you researched the sound of snow crunching?!”
“I’m very thorough” TA replied haughtily. BSA’s laughter rang eerily through the grove until a large load of snow dropped off a convenient branch and onto her head.
“Hey!” BSA grimaced in disgust as she wiped snow off her face, “This is a silk shirt! Obviously, a change of costume is in order.” She concentrated briefly and morphed into a large, tawny wolf.
Meanwhile, under a nearby tree, DFL pulled herself out of a drift as the cold finally shocked her into full consciousness.
“Why did I pick the cold door? I’m in a freaking toga!” She wondered aloud as she started to shiver. WW shrugged and waded over to the tree, removing her thick leather jacket which she handed to the chilled Dictator. DFL gingerly took it, holding the leather away from her as fashion sense warred with common sense. Finally, she took one last look at its patriotic glory before closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, and slipping into its voluminous confines.
“I know I was surprised” TA confided as she glided into the shadows, “we should find shelter before Dictator freezes.” WW, still comfortable in her patriotic tank top and golden bracers, scoured the ground with her Amazon hunting skills.
“There seems to be a path leading North” she stated, pointing dramatically at a patch of snowy ground. A sharp bark drew their attention to BSA’s tail, which was the only part of her they could see in the drifts, and which appeared to be wagging in a Westerly direction.
“I don’t care which way we go as long as there’s a luxury hotel at the end of it” DFL stated firmly. TA’s voice floated down from the tree tops, “It all looks the same from up here!”
“That’s because you’re facing East!” WW called.
There was a moment of silence while this nugget of information was considered.
“Well it’s not like the flipping sun is out! How was I supposed to know?!” There was a rustling of branches and then “Okay, well I’ve circled the whole tree and all I’ve seen in all directions is a bunch of trees and snow. Make of that what you will.”

So, what direction should they choose:

A. North
B. West
C. East
D. Continued State of Denial