From the Onion: It's a rough week to be a Taurus.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
The Best of the Rest:
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
And my personal favorite of the week is a tie:
Cancer June 22 - July 22
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
4 comments:
Poor Becca!!! Poor Dictator!! Poor Mistress of Mayhem!!
And what about you WW? You should really start opening doors instead of just powering through them ala Shampoo.
why does ww get to be shampoo-esque?! and who could possiblty get irritated by me? i mean, come on really? they need to work a little harder on these! :)
You can be Shampoo if you'd like.
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