Dr. Eldritch Horoscopes!

They were particularly funny this week, especially if DFL starts singing to ATMs. I get to experience boring visions, while Leo and Aquarius are just funny.


Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:

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Careful what you sign! Many Signature Gatherers for petitions or ballot measures actually present you with an agreement to hand over your Soul. Read carefully!



The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!

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Your astrological forecast for October 17 – 23rd, 2007 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Bring in the Stunt Double! Your Mercury (the Perky Planet) is at a low ebb, so take your personal-replica android from the closet, dust it off and send it out to be you for a while. You'll be all the happier for it, and may be at home for a mysterious phone call! Expect deception from an Aries.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Lawsuits from Beyond the Grave! What do you know of your ancestors? You may be asked to settle a 600-year-old legal battle. Consult a lawyer skilled in 15th-Century Law, and you may come out on top. If you don't, you could lose half your sheep or maybe a bunch of fardels. A Gemini gives a gift!

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Eureka! Saturn's pull is particularly strong for you, which may cause you to wake up from an odd dream and find that you've brought a device back with you from the Dream State. A Be-Smart Ray? Teleportation device? Or maybe the Ultimate Karaoke Machine! Wouldn't that be great? Surprising kindness from a Capricorn!

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Beware the Trickster! Do you know the Brazilian Diplomat Scam? Well, you may become all too familiar with it. The stars aren't clear whether you'll be victim or accomplice, but signs indicate that you'll be the one stuck with a truckload of fake mustaches. Socialize with an Aquarius now.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Visions! An interesting confluence puts you in touch with the Moon's oracular powers. When you meet people, you may see a vision of what they'll be doing exactly one week in the Future! You'll learn that most people's lives are very, very repetitious. Pity, that. Put trust in a Pisces.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Oh, Bad Luck! Your Most Embarrassing Habit that you don't want anyone to know about may be displayed on the evening news. Hopefully they won't also show that thing you do at work when you think nobody's looking. Charming a Scorpio helps!

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Spring Romance! How sweet! Have you been looking for your One True Love? The fudge topping to your ice cream? A pairing of Kindred Souls may be in your future, but your soulmate may not be exactly, um, human. Keep an open mind! Not all romances with the Faerie Folk are doomed. A Taurus helps keep you safe.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): What's the opposite of March Madness? This will be the Doldrums of the Supernatural for you. Just nothing going on. Zero. Zip. Nada. So if you think you see ghosts, pixies, monsters, or mythical creatures, it's merely your imagination. Expect white lies from an Aries.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Not just for Daylight! Have you ever thought about building a Time Saving device where wasted minutes and seconds can be gathered up to be used later, like to give yourself several extra hours before a deadline? Well, perhaps you should. You'll meet an interesting Leo!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): This is a good week to participate in the Neighborhood Watch program, because your neighbors are going to be doing some intriguing things! Of course, you may learn secrets you'd rather not know about. And keep your curtains closed, in case others who read this horoscope who might watch you! Give a Scorpio a tasty snack.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Do you frequently use a particular ATM? The one you visit most often may decide it doesn't like you, leading to problems with your financial transactions. Make up a happy song and sing it to your ATM to appease it. Pay no attention to the people in line behind you. Does a Virgo catch your eye?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Great News! Neptune leaves the sign of the Tired Monkey, and enters the constellation of the Oddly-Shaped Rock! Your recent study of ancient Mayan astrology should tell you exactly what to do now to reap great rewards! (Please disregard this notice if you haven't been studying ancient Mayan astrology.) The Jaguar King blesses your next move! Finally, straight talk from an Aquarius.