The Legend of Hot Dog Guy

* Not the actual hot dog guy

A little background for this story. It happened when I was just a young ninja, working in a convienance store during summer break from Ninja State University. As part of my initiation into the ranks of the employed, I had to clean..wait for it... the Hot Dog Machine. DUM Dum DUMMMM.

It was nasty. I'm talking Creature of the Black Lagoon nasty with the cloying grease, the thick hot dog rich odors, the mystery substance on the rollers that Would Not Come Off, and in the trap, the horrible sludge of hot dog water.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Anyway, the next day I went on my blind date with HDG. I had just gotten off and I was starving. He asked "So, what would you like to do?"

This really should've been my first hint that all was not well. Honestly, you should probably have some sort of clue before the girl gets in the car.

I replied, "I don't care as long as we eat. I'm starving."
He said Okay, and that we would meet up with some other couples to go out to eat, and did I have any preferences.

I told him "Anything but hot dogs" and preceded to tell him about my dreadful battle with the hot dog slime-generating machine of doom.

We drove to the dorms at BYU. This was my first "Really?" moment of the night, but I let it slide since we were supposedly meeting up with more couples for some sort of group date thing.

We ended up hanging out there for over 3 hours with various roommates and people. Playing basketball. Well he played basketball. He couldn't understand why I didn't play even though I repeatedly mentioned the fact that I hate playing basketball.

Apparently he didn't use such instensive critical anaylsis skills for his course work there.

I also couldn't get him to ditch his "friends" to do something else because this guy was a total pansy.

Perhaps the BYU dorm RAs meet out some terrible and horrific punishment for anyone who dares to leave a group date. Anyway, the people were waiting for finally showed up, told everyone they were dumb for waiting so long (Thank You!!) and we all drove down to someone's party. Where there was no food. So we went to yet another place with a "party" where there was an even bigger lack of anything edible.

I'm unfamiliar with BYU standards on partying, but I would assume it's okay to feed people who come to your house.

By now I was beyond angry. I spend most of time hanging out and bashing my date with another girl who was duped into this nightmare. That was the high point of my evening. HDG finally managed to find us and said that someone was going to buy some hot dogs so that we would have something to eat.

I managed to resist the urge to punch his smug face.

And then... AND THEN!! He asked me to pitch in 5 bucks for the hot dogs.

Words cannot describe my deep and abiding hatred for this loser. I chewed him out and sent him off to find food. He came back with hot dogs.

Did I eat one? Absolutely not. It was a matter of principle now. Although that didn't stop him from eating several right in front of me.

Fortunately by this time I had discovered that he was of a sensitive and delicate nature. So I had concocted a revenge scheme of telling every nasty, violent, gory story I knew. If I got him to puke, I'd win.

You know, more dates need detailed analysis of the symptoms of the bubonic plague. It builds character.

I also remember belittling his hobbies, studies, hopes, dreams and whatever else the fool was naive enough to tell me, with points scored for every person I could get to laugh at his expense.

This was my last blind date. There will not be another. I don't know if this is related, but I didn't date another church guy for 9 years.

UPDATE: I tell a lie. I was repressing another painful night in 2001 with yet another BYU Cheap-O. Honestly, where did we get this idea that if you take a girl someplace nice (and I'm not talking Ten Penh here, I'm talking freaking Chili's) than it's shallow and worldly, but if you drag her through some ghetto hell-hole it's charming and creative?

I blame that stupid Jack Wheylan book.

I guess the moral is: I'm a pretty low-key girl, but if you're a young, working professional and you take me to McDonald's and then the local sticky-shoe for our first date, I will totally make you pony up for popcorn, you cheap bastard.