Horoscopes

Long ago, when this blog was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I used to post horoscopes from the Onion once a week.

Unfortunately, they got a new horoscope writer and I just didn't care for them as much anymore. They just weren't funny.

Fortunately, I've signed up for the Ask Dr. Eldritch newsletter, and now we have horoscopes again!!

Cancer and Leo are my favorites.

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CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): How's your knowledge of prehistoric beasts? You could meet a living, breathing one this week, so be prepared! The stars aren't clear whether it will be a new pet or a brief scuffle with a higher rung on the Food Chain, if you know what I mean. Be careful! A Pisces sees something more clearly.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Warning! Avoid old mines, tunnels and caverns! The coalition of Saturn, Neptune, and Jupiter may draw subterranean humanoids from the deep this week, and they won't be neighborly. Amaze them with a cigarette lighter, though, and they might worship you! Your forecasts for a Capricorn are dead-on.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Are you of dual minds? Picking up a cursed knickknack in an antique shop might split you in two! Well, not literally, but makes two versions of you, your Good Side and your Shadow Side. It will only last until midnight, but Good Side will be busy keeping Shadow Side in check! Trust a Leo's memory.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Where's a superhero when you need one? Astral retrograde motion reveals an Evil Villain's plan, and you may be the only one who can stop it! Gather your clever and resourceful friends in advance; you won't regret it. A Sagittarius shows up late.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Making a road trip? That diner in the middle of nowhere may turn out to be a central hub for inter-dimensional travel. Act casual, and you may meet some fascinating travelers. Remember; it's not polite to stare, no matter how many arms they have. Consult a Gemini for prophesies.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): How are your table manners? A Power Vortex of the Inner Planets may lead to a visit with Royalty! Who cares if they’re from a country you've never heard of, you'll be able to boast that you've had tea with a King and Queen! Verify news from a Capricorn.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Have you ever just packed a bag, gone to the airport and taken the next plane out, regardless of where it's going? No, of course you haven't. Still, the stars indicate that this may lead to an adventure involving an albino ferret and an attractive heir to a fortune. Pack extra socks. A Pisces predicts your future.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Flighty Mercury may give you a déjà vu experience! (Read that again!) You'll realize you saw the exact same situation in your sleep! Unfortunately, you won't be able to predict what's going to happen next, and you won't see the talking monkey in a hat from the dream. A Taurus waxes poetic.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): The triangle of Pluto, Mercury and Earth indicates that your chances of popping into an alternate reality are at an all-time high. With any luck, it will only be a little different from this one, and not the reality where Disco became the dominant musical form. Listen carefully to an Aquarius.


LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): An ancestor from Beyond may tell you he needs to possess your body to right an Ancient Wrong, but is actually scamming for a long weekend in Las Vegas. Be polite, but just say NO! And the stars say to wear purple, for some reason. Share luck with an Aries!

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Say what? A mysterious stranger from the Future could explain an elegant Unified Field Theory to you, unfortunately not in a language you speak. You won't understand his stock tips, either, so the whole encounter will be a bust, really. Pity. Forgive a Leo for gloating.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Your passion for video games is about to be sated! You may be literally sucked into the dark world of an experimental game, filled with ravenous monsters, tricky puzzles and lethal traps. You'll have to be smart and fast to survive to the end and escape. Good Luck, as there's no Replay option! A Gemini is in your dreams.